Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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