you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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