I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
