She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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