I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
