I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The Olympian is in my bed
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