I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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