i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
