Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
