I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
