sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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