I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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