Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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