Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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