dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
