I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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