I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
