I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
