I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
