Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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