is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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