I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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