where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
