why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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