If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
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She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
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Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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