Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
