Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
