Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
