You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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