P.S. I can't hear my feet
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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