He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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