best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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