my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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