yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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