your thong is hanging out like whoa
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Randomize
