Don't you send me to vm
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
