Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
