dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
