The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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