never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
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If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
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I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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