i think my mom watched the whole time
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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