Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
