just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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