now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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