Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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