i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
