Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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