we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well I just put wine in my tea
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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