Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
