its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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