the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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