but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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