the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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