I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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