false alarm. still invincible.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
