Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
