If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
