Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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