Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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