oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
