Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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